In a stunning development, the Chicago Cubs organization has announced that they will begin to cease baseball operations at the end of the season.
“We regret to inform all Chicago Cubs fans that after over 100 years of futility, we have decided to cease baseball operations at the end of the 2014 baseball season.” Cubs president Theo Epstein said in a press release. No immediate reason was given by the Chicago Cubs but this statement in the press release was very telling.
“This organization has done the best it could but the baseball gods were never fond of the North Siders so we concede this great organization to the St. Louis Cardinals as they are the premier organization in baseball.” The rest of the Chicago Cubs were unavailable for comment.
“I am outraged” says loyal Cubs fan Steve Bartman. “I knew we were terrible but this is uncalled for. This was my one chance to make it in the major leagues as a left fielder.” He went on to add “I promised the Cubs that I wouldn’t drop the ball this time.”
Chicago White Sox and St Louis Cardinals fans were shocked, but not surprised by this announcement. One fan exclaimed “When your best isn’t good enough, try and try again. If you have failed for 106 years, then you might as well give up.”
In Wrigleyville, all were heart broken except for the Wrigley Bleacher Bums who were still in a 36 hour binge drinking contest. “What am I going to do now, get a real job?” Said prominent Cubs fan “Woo Woo” Wickers. “They have been paying me to come to the games every day to make it seem people actually cared about the Cubs. I can’t believe this is happening to me!”
A sad day for all Chicago Cubs fans indeed. Keep it here on Arch Authority for all updates. Until then:
HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!
Contact Chris Flanagan at [email protected]